Dec 27

Dec 27 Toy Porgs are on Sale! a Star Wars Story

Star Wars: The Last Jedi has taken over the box office. While the critics and fans are still fighting over it, I’d like to discuss what the hell happened in the writers room. And by discuss I mean list everything wrong that prevented me from enjoying what should have been an easy ride.

This article will serve two purposes; let me rant about unacceptable idiocies that made it in the movie, and in the process piss off fans who are unable to be objective about something they once loved.

Let’s get something clear right off the bat; whatever follows this paragraph will contains spoilers. Do not read any further if you intend to go see the movie in theaters (which I wouldn’t recommend unless you prefer misplaced comedy and characters that amount to a total IQ of 82 in your sci-fi movies). If you haven’t seen the movie and still wish to bask in the greatness of my bitterness, please do so but know that I might not always provide context.

Now to make something ever clearer, let’s discuss the whole “Star Wars is generational” and “It’s for kids!” arguments that might ensue. Star Wars isn’t just about the movies; there are video games, books and animated series as well, all of which varied their target demographics. The Last Jedi isn’t the first movie to derail from being younglings-friendly (pardon my Obiwanesque vocabulary), but it certainly hasn’t stopped some people defending the movie’s lack of consistent tone or structural integrity. Last I’ve checked, studios like Pixar whose craft is mostly dedicated towards children have been able to maintain a high level of quality in that regards over the years, and I would hold anything as legendary as Star Wars to do the same.

If you truly love something, the worst thing you could do is blindly accept its failings.

Prologue

Before we begin I must absolutely add the following bits of information that certain might find helpful in concluding whether I’m being fair or just an ass.

My favorite movie is A New Hope. It’s rougher than Empire but you can’t beat the first time experience and that epilogue music.
Of the original Trilogy I would agree that Return of the Jedi is the weakest, but I still enjoyed it, including Ewoks.
My favorite movie in the Anakin Trilogy is Phantom Menace. I dislike Jar Jar too, but it sure beats senate hearings and the dreadful arc leading to Darth Vader.
I was disappointed in The Force Awakens because it was made to safely reboot the franchise. The SW universe is large enough to try something new, I’m sure.
I enjoyed Rogue One more than The Force Awakens, but only because I liked the gritty, nothing is black or white aspect of it. This may seem like i’m being hypocritical given my statement about wanting something new out of this franchise, but at the very least I knew exactly what the story would be about. If I didn’t enjoy it I would be the only one to blame.

Everything wrong with…

Now that I’ve covered 99% of my ass, let’s dig into the finer details. What could possibly go so wrong that I spent half the movie with a case of Picard facepalm?

Should I laugh or cry?

This one is well known and unoriginal but… who the fuck thought it was appropriate to insert funny moments in the most dramatic scenes of the movie?! Star Wars is known for its light comedy but holy shit is it confusing in this one.

Let’s build one of the most intense cliffhangers in Star Wars history and then ruin it by having Luke mindlessly throw his own Lightsaber and shrug it all away! Mirror that to how Obi Wan managed his old days as an hermite. Not even 5 minutes in the movie and an iconic character has lost all credibility in an attempt for cheap laughs.
In a fight between the Resistance and First Order fleets, Kylo Ren penetrates the primary cruiser to destroy a hangar full of pilots, launching Poe in the air leading to a hard fall. This is so very sad, Poe must be injured and he just witnessed many of his comrades dying, let alone avoiding death himself by inches… well now’s the time to show BB-8 bouncing off like a dodgeball! I sure hope that PG rating is more important than showing kids the appropriate emotional response to multiple fatalities…
Finn has finally awakened from his coma (and of course no medical personal was nearby) and not only do they have the balls to rethread the “Finn’s trademarked fast/panicky exhaling”, they make the character clumsily fall on his side and walking around in obvious confusion. This is the only time the character will ever look this way in the movie, showing a clear consistency issue in his evolution. Dishonorable mention to all resistance crewmembers who didn’t notice THE FINN needing some kind of medical attention. I guess he’s not as popular as Rose makes him out to be.
Rey and Kylo are having the strangest pocket dialed call when she decides to shoot “him” with a blaster. This scene was tailored to show an interesting side of the force and their potential kinship (at that point we didn’t know it was as stupid as Snoke forcing them to link together), but instead they followed through with the good ol’ Hero Insurance trope. The shot made a hole in one of the island’s huts, which of course are now inhabited by nun-like creatures (it’s a temple - get it?!). Rey will make sure to comment how she feels they don’t enjoy her presence and Luke will reply “I sure don’t know why!”. Later on she cuts a rock in half and it falls on the exact same nuns wheelbarrow which was carrying - guess what - bricks to patch up her hut! I haven’t laughed this much since The Schindler’s List.
So Maz Katana is back. She’s answering a Skype call mid-fight and explains how she’s busy dealing with an union. Oh man, I’m sure the 1% enjoyed the hell out of this joke! Gotta keep them workers in check with gunshot, right?

Character Flaws

In order to make me care about characters I first need to feel they are capable of intelligent thoughts. In my book - taking stupid decisions in a world as dangerous as Star Wars’ should result in your demise. I can deal with failure (and as a friend of mine mentioned on Facebook - it is a recurring theme in the movie) but blatant idiocy I just can’t support. We’re talking about Jurassic World’s “check inside the Indominus Rex enclosure instead of its tracker signal first” kind of stupid. I don’t mind a silly movie especially when it’s self-aware, but I despise when a movie director thinks I won’t notice his piss-poor character development.

How can someone in command like Vice Admiral Holdo not realize the importance of communicating important aspects of her plan, especially to impulsive military officers such as Poe? There was absolutely no reason not to share her strategy since it didn’t require secrecy to work. Considering most of the crew must have been confused about the chase end-goal, this would probably have given everyone some hope and prevented a freaking mutiny.
Am I the only one that cannot believe how Snoke is able to fool both Ren and Rey into force communication, showing tremendous powers but yet fails to realize a freaking lightsaber tilting towards his own guts? Talk about one sorry ass leader. Was he also injured? Is he too old? What’s the goddamn reason this time? If he wasn’t going to be a actual supreme leader on the long-term, why introduce him at all? So. Many. Questions! Good riddance anyways, he sucked.
Finn has got to be kidding when he loses focus for the Vegas like spectacle, knowing well enough his friends are in grave danger. Again with the “but this character must be quirky, sometimes” trope. I don’t mind usually, but can’t we agree this was only the case to justify the presence of Rose in those scenes? I didn’t dislike her, but if you’re going to introduce more ‘main’ characters please make them more than plot-advancing drones.
How many people were on the First Order’s flagship flight deck? How come NOBODY managed to figure out the Resistance Cruiser was turning towards them until the very last second? That ship turned 180 degrees with the speed of a dying sloth and you want me to stay involved? This is beyond fantasy, even by Star Wars standards.
What about Leia keeping the doors to the old Rebels base open until she sees First Order shuttles with her own eyes, not radar? Well again a smart character taking stupid decisions to advance the plot further. If she was being herself, the doors would be impenetrable therefore Finn and Rose would have never been able to join up. In any case they need to be there, right? Their presence must impact the ending somehow! To quote my favorite cheeto-in-chief; “WRONG!” Read on…
Finn is about to become the hero of the story, sacrificing himself to destroy that space battering ram a la Independence Day. Oh glorious day, The Last Jedi might actually do something relatable amidst its own messiness. Well, not until Rose intervenes by playing bumper cars and crash into him full speed from the side. I may not be a vehicle safety expert but if she wanted to prevent him from dying for the cause, wouldn’t crashing full speed in flimsy, rusty rebel sand-mobile be the least effective way to do that? She then says “That’s how we’re going to win. Not fighting what we hate. Saving what we love.” - I had to check on IMDB if Rian Johnson had experience directing daytime soaps. Campy isn’t quite enough to describe this kind of cheese.

Miscellaneous Misfiring

Here’s a rapid fire list of other issues I had with this installment.

In a world where Tie Bombers exist, whoever came up with the Resistance ones should get fired. At the very least could they be turtle-slow due to their almost invincible, thick hull or something? Nope, they’re vulnerable as fuck!
The whole Vegas strip story arc to find the “Master Codebreaker” is a big middle finger to whoever pays attention enough to realize this is filler in a movie that certainly didn’t need to pad its runtime.
On a related note; Benicio Del Toro’s appearance as a low grade cameo. Is the stutter supposed to make the character more appealing during his short time on screen? I’m so glad he waited in his prison cell just in time to replace the master codebreaker and help Finn and Rose… oh wait… shit! Was that simply a long-term setup to have Finn and Phasma duel? I was almost fooled by trickster Johnson again!
Rose medallion’s the exact metal composite and length to short circuit an electric panel. Please, have mercy on my suspension of disbelief!
BB-8’s sudden Mary Sue abilities, his ability to pilot a AT-ST and said vehicle’s upgraded ability to run and jump. Nothing is sacred, anymore...
First Order flagship can track through hyperspace but is unable to detect an incoming luxury frigate because? Ok!
Why isn’t everything made out of the Red Guards’ armor? Probably because they can resist a slash but not a good ol’ fashioned thrust! Space logic!
The fact that movie theaters displayed warning signs about the 10 seconds silence following the cruiser hyperspeed attack to prevent confusion. Goes to show the expected average IQ of the Star Wars fans!
Last but not least; did they really have to explain the freaking blue milk?

Epilogue

What I’m pointing out above are carefully picked examples to make a point but the whole movie is guilty of this level of mediocrity. All situations are caused by dumb decisions to make all characters fit within the same story and resolved uniquely via ex machina or pre-established plot devices. I’m sure I’ve had nightmares more coherent that this pile of overhyped bullshit.

I will admit it has great visuals and sound design but is that really an argument to make? We’re in 2017 and most studios employ herds of talented artists to make breathtaking CGI. Have you ever seen anyone defend Battleship or Transformers merits based solely on their special effects? Why would we treat Star Wars differently, today?

Another thing I should bring up is the existence of Porgs; the penguin-like, bug-eyed yelling chickens.

Yes, they are cute (worry not; I do have a heart). That said I also realize a group of Redbull-fed designers worked day and night for months to come up with this for the sole intent to sell toys.
They weren’t important to the story except for that scene with Chewie that clearly was designed to increase vegetable sales in the USA. Ewoks had the decency of being actively part of the story, even when shoehorned in.
It was somewhat funny the first time they showed up. The 10th? Not so much.
When should I expect the Porgs DLC in Angry Birds Star Wars?

I could go on and on about why I can’t fathom this movie is sitting comfortably at 90+% on rottentomatoes.com and why some people are so uptight about any of its criticism but I should spend my holiday break doing something more constructive like feeding my pet rock.

Please believe me when I say I really wanted to like this movie. Was this film not named Star Wars, I am certain it would be crushed under the weight of negative reviews.

I’ve been told to lower my expectations. I say some people should keep theirs higher and face disappointment, not repress it.

May objectivity be with you.