Everything I despised about Jurassic World

Jurassic World is a fantastic movie if your only expectations are that it will contain dinosaurs, action scenes and won’t take itself seriously. If you were looking for originality, cleverness and visual spectacles akin to the first title you will have a bad time. Don’t get me wrong, the movie is still entertaining and it will certainly gain traction with the younger end of the target audience (or your inner 9 years old as would say Jorge), but I can’t get over how Michael Bay-esque the second half feels. This is why I went ahead and mimicked CinemaSins instead of writing a review. I won’t be as thorough as they usually are; I’m sure they’ll have a field day with this one and I can’t wait to see their take on it.

I had the chance to see Jurassic World in a work-related advanced screening yesterday and I’d like to note this piece should in no way represent a lack of gratitude. The work outing was fun and I know we’ve all had a blast. Thanks again, Ludia!

Be aware; what follows contains a several spoilers (if that wasn’t obvious enough already). Do not venture forth if you haven’t seen the movie yet.

Most characters are unlikeable

When movie characters are retable enough, the audience will care about their imminent demise.  The ability to do so is what separates a good from a bad thriller or horror flick. Jurassic World fails at that dramatically with the insertion of so many bland characters they would feel just right as Game of Thrones extras. Would you care if the following characters died?

• A park director whose only concern is the Park’s profitability over human and dinosaur lives.
• A teenage boy who only cares about looking as “cute-emo” as possible in front of giggling teenage girls.
• Tim #2.
• Clumsy and careless CEO who wants to save the world one sketchy gene splicing approval at a time.
• Ex-Navy turned dinosaur tamer.
• Ex-Navy turned dinosaur tamer black friend with no backstory who’s left behind (more on that later).
• Control room operators with better comedic timing than actual work skills.
• Dr. Henry “Dennis Nedry” Wu.
• Irresponsible assistant who cares more about an upcoming bachelor party than the safety of her boss’ nephews.
• Generic military contractor who thinks raptors can be militarised.
• Fat guard fast asleep during his shift guardian an experimental hybrid dinosaur.
• Emotionless park drones who can’t make the difference between regular patrol and hunting down a 50 feet tall t-rex/raptor hybrid. Their heartbeat looked pretty regular before their end.

The premise doesn’t make any sense

Jurassic World’s story flows identically to the original; we meet the characters, they visit the park, a major fuck up unleashes nature’s fury and after many close calls, the main characters survive the adventure. The first park wasn’t secure enough to contain its inhabitants and couldn’t protect itself from a treacherous hacker. In this modern take the only reason why there’s an issue in the first place is an endless succession of human errors. It’s really hard to believe these guys could manage the park in the first place.

• The military thinks it’s perfectly acceptable to try to create hybrid dinosaurs and train them for missions. We can barely train bears to perform stage acts and they consider feasible a miniature raptor/t-rex hybrid will simply follow orders?
• The guy brought onboard to spearhead the military program is not okay with the concept and consistently butts head with the InGen contractor, yet still works on it.
• The Doctor responsible for creating a disaster in the first movie is made responsible of the main lab with little supervision.
• Their first reaction to the Indominus Rex disappearing from thermal and camera is to set foot in its enclosure to inspect claw marks on the wall. This cannot be your priority at this point if you believe it truly escaped.
• Control has tagged the I-Rex with a gps beacon but only decides to use it after staff members have entered the enclosure for maximum dramatic effect.
• Lonely dinosaur with very little life experience is self-aware of camouflage abilities and knows exactly when and how to use it to fool the high-tech safety systems.
• CEO wants the dinosaur tamer’s opinion about how safe the exhibit can be, yet fails to hear him when he warns ICU about going against the hybrid with non-lethal weapons.
• After witnessing an entire ICU unit decimated by the I-Rex, our protagonists decide to do a rescue mission equipped with a Mercedes, a single hunting rifle and high heels.
• Previously painted as totally incapable, emo brother suddenly grows balls and fixes the 20 years old jeep by transferring a battery. Engines are known to run well after being idle for so long!

Lack of subtlety

I don’t mind a movie that doesn’t take itself too seriously but when it overpowers the serious elements it pisses me off. The excessive over-acting and dramatic camera effects made Jurassic World look like a comedy more than an action movie. Being lighthearted is great, in moderation. In this case the movie treats its audience like imbeciles. Let’s go over the tropes:

• Benevolent CEO flies a military chopper with limited experience after he insisted on a quiet handling of the I-Rex capture.
• Dozens of people were just killed and everyone is having a panic attack yet the most frustrating moment for Control Room operator #2 is when his dinosaur toys are knocked off his workstation. Just a regular day at work!
• Control Room operator #2 argues he knows what he’s doing exactly one second before noticing a major issue with one of the park’s attractions. Time for a performance review, buddy.
• Chaos reigns and the two incompatible main characters nearly died several times in the last 5 minutes; time to kiss each other while visitors are still evacuating.
• Control Room operator #2 decides to stay behind and be a hero, then tries to kiss Control Room operator #1 only to join the friend zone. I truly wish these 2 get a sitcom spinoff; they really nailed it.

Slow-motion raptor to the rescue! You go, girl!

Other notable mentions:

• Early on Chris Pratt’s character mentions the consequences of raising a dinosaur in solitude. Later we notice the park only has one T-Rex specimen. Was he never involved with park activity before or did they stock the others somewhere else?
• Jurassic Park makes it clear a T-Rex is almost as fast as a Jeep; in Jurassic World the main character outruns one in high heels and business attire, all while kiting it with a flare. Maybe that one had a thing for redheads.
• The Indominus Rex can only be heard once he is on screen. That 50 feet tall heavy duty dinosaur sure knows how to sneak its way in.
• Raptors turned against their captors earlier after a short discussion with the Indominus Rex decide Chris Pratt’s face is more likeable, switch sides again. Maybe the military contractor was right after all.
• After tag teaming the hybrid villain, the Mosasaur, T-Rex and last Raptor part ways amicably in what is possibly the most realistic scene of the entire movie; everybody knows T-Rexes can’t high five.

I could go on…

Some people argue Jurassic World is the second best of the four. It’s speaks volume about its quality. The first half really tickled my fancy but the excessive cheese and deus ex machine were too much for me. My inner child sense of wonder was overwhelmed by my low tolerance for tacky bullshit.

Now can someone tell me why this Colin Trevorrow was hired to direct such an important movie? C’mon Spielberg, you’re better than this…